When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
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One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
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Person is typing…
Person says: hi