Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
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one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
how much for the angry fruit?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.