Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Imma just leave this here…………
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Banking tips
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.