The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.