hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Yeah. This was me today.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.