I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Weirdly Wednesday.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.