The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I already tried new things thanks.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.