I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”