I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
This bar smells like my childhood.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.