*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”