I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
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Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook