The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?