my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
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No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic