Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
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Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
The hardest thing Vision has to do
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.