Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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