[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You Might Also Like
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.