it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.