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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
peep davidson
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Care for your back
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter