You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.