Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You Might Also Like
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
the simulation is moving too fast
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER