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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be