Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
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New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
me opening up to someone
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.