Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
You deplete me
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
S O O N
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.