Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”