My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*