A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
you have three unread messages
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!