Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is