Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me: