ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*