Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
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[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Duolingo getting serious.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.