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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead