Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this