[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.