Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.