A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
idk what he going thru but i feel him
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
o shit
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Can’t stop laughing
Given the memory span of a goldfish…