My time has come.
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*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You know I’m something of a chef myself
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.