[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
You Might Also Like
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“How’s your day going?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.