When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.