*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.