They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You Might Also Like
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds