what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.