lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
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I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
yall want some gasoline milk
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
You have been warned.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75