What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
As the Lord intended
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.