You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Wait for it
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!