My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
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Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
☠️☠️☠️
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest