I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.