I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
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No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.