Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?