PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Worst Native American name ever.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!