You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
You Might Also Like
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My typo game is string.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.